Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
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It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
2023 was just a warmup
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later