when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The glory of fall.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I love snow
– People who never shovel