*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
The sacred texts.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
can’t talk my ride’s here
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.