Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I can fix him.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.