You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight