[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway