When you kidnap a writer.
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
best review i’ve ever seen
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.