Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
This is why I hate group projects
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.