Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
the simulation is moving too fast
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?