A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?