Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.