Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”