The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him