Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Heroic Misunderstanding
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.