People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec