me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You Might Also Like
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
HELP 😭
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz