CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that鈥檚 not what I said
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love 鉂わ笍馃憤
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA鈥檚 Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don鈥檛 seem to understand freedom
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.