If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.