[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..