You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.