PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate