[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.