I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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They’re called werewolves.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“A little help here, Danny?”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.