I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
You Might Also Like
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it