*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Florida man
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.