I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.