You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Lube but for my dry humor.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.