High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself