The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Nose
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’