Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
giddy up Office Depot
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.