[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.