*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body