[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Worth remembering.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?