When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Need this in my life lol
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.