5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…