What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Why soy sad?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!