My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
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Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam