I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Scream sneezers need love too.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.