Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
You Might Also Like
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Just a bush.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*