Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
my one true gender
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.