Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up