i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.