I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Ah yes. The three genders
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.