me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.