Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Shoo shoo! 😂
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.