I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??