[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Word!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.