A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Every damn time
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.