Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.