Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
selfie game
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door